I look back and try to remember

quotes

I sit in this court room and I stare at you straight in the eyes as your  sitting in front of  that judge saying flat-out lies about me in order to get you to gain full custody off our son.  As I’m hearing him say the words bad mother and I leave him alone all the time I start thinking about the day he was born and how proud we were to bring this boy into the world. You looked at me and said that I was a great mom to my daughter and how proud you were to have me as the mother of our son. My kids are beautiful souls today and that is because I loved them and raised them with their dad… So how can you try to steal that away from me? How can you risk me loosing my son today saying false things about me? How can I have made a choice to marry a man who would one day try to destroy my character all so he could look like he’s the hero to cover up his lies and affairs that ruined every kindness that we had left for one another.

I can not believe how much hate this process brings out in people. Its mean and evil and cruel, especially  to couples who are trying to salvage whats left of their relationship in order to co parent when it’s all over.  But how can that even be possible when two people have to go to war because the lawyers start putting ugly messages in our head or new ideas on how to fuck the other person over. It’s just crazy and it has changed me forever. I don’t think that I will ever be able to find peace with him after all the hurt and pain this has caused me . I will never be able to look at my life with him the same again. Something that started out so fun and fresh and happy, ended with such hate, rage, greed, selfishness and pain.

Divorce is an ugly ugly process and I don’t wish it on anyone. It hurts my heart for my kids to see how hateful mine has become. And I hope someday I will be able to move on once this divorce is over and start living without him in my life and space anymore

CoParenting Impossible

When I was 13 my parents got Divorce and it affected my life forever.. and as I got older and had different family events come up I would always invite both of my parents and the first couple times they both went to my mom and dad after all these years still couldn’t seem to get rid of the anger they held onto each other so being in the same room was impossible and it made it impossible for me to be around I hated it so from then on out I didn’t invite my parents to any more family functions they even missed my own wedding because I didn’t want the drama. It had a huge effect on me and made me so sad to not be able to have both my parents at my children’s birthday parties and things . So when it came to time for my own marriage and divorce , unfortunately my first thought was I was going to do something different than my parents and make it my goal no matter how much pain my husband has caused me and how much anger I have I would find a way to coparent the best way I could so my kids could see or being kind to one another another, and at least be in the same room together

SO MUCH FOR THAT GOAL!!!

After I got to the stage where I was able to stop the anger and pain that he caused me, i had found a place for my head to find peace with closing the door to my marriage. I knew deep down that I had a lot of work to do on myself for still and that would happen as time moves on.

So I tried being his” friend ” at first. And I jump right in, we even went to our son’s baseball games and we sat next to each other we laughed we even took the kids out to lunch afterwards and it was great! The kids were so happy to see us all get along. Well I don’t know if maybe jumping so far into this new friendship was a good idea. It was too much too soon. Soon enough we both couldn’t forget the fact that we were married for 15 years and we hurt each other deeply. His resentments at me started coming out and any conversation I had he always made the conversation about us and then he Would start throwing the digs at me . Even though it’s been 3 yeas since he left,and he left me for another woman who he now loves with , he still sees things in his way only . I am still the person he hated when we were married .. And now that I am on my own and doing things without depending on him, it makes him even more angry I think. If I could allow his words to not effect me than maybe we can co parent but it’s just too mentally exhausting. It drains my energy and I can’t put myself around his energy anymore. Maybe 3 years is not long to have a new friendship with him so we can be great parents for our kids.. or maybe he needs to do what I did and forgive himself for the past and let go of all the resentments he is keeping and that are eating him up inside. Those stupid resentments are what keeps him from finding peace within himself and peace with us. Those Resentments are what keeps our kids from having two parents that can have normal adult conversations and that can respect each others opinions when they are totally different. It keeps them from growing and allowing two people who once loved and respected each other, continue to stay in each other’s lives and be great parents no matter what has changed . I hope and pray that one day we can be those people for my kids sake.