Where am I now……




I thought about starting a new blog as I start my new life, but this blog is where I started writing when I was going thru my husbands first affair and the pain that came with it. My way of dealing with life back then was to numb myself with any drug I could find. nobody ever told be how real the struggle is to actually stop using, I feel like it took me longer to fight the demands in my heads trying to stay off of the drugs than the amount of time I was on drugs.  Luckily today I can say with confidence that although my struggles today are not what I expected. drugs are NOT a part of my world and have not been for years.. I stay very aware of my addictive behavior and remind myself that even though I have the strength to not use anymore. that I’m still an addict and that is one thing I need to always take seriously.

After my husbands first affair and us trying to fins our way back together, we somehow   made it through the next 4 years together and kept our family together. The only problem was he was holding resentment at me for my drug use, and I never looked at him the same again after he betrayed me with his affair. The damage was done. I was too scared to leave the marriage because I depended on him so much, and as it turns out he unhappy, but he was missing his balls and couldn’t just come to me and say im unhappy I was a divorce. Instead he chose to pretend he was my husband and start another affair. Of course if you ask him he will tell you that he didn’t have an affair this time…lying to him is easy. He even believes his own lies. And this man can bullshit anyone with his charm. So in sept 2015 he decided to sit our kids down while I was at work and tell them we were not going to be together anymore and he was moving out. He got his things and left. I came home from work to find him gone. This time around I wasn’t hurting like I did with the first affair. I was more mad that he had no respect for me  to tell me he was leaving. After 14 years of giving him my everything, this is how he  cuts ties with me? I felt more anger at his delivery more than anything. I was scared, and I was sad for  my kids, but I didn’t feel sad inside. It didn’t surprise me that he was having this affair. I had questioned him about her for years. I even said I was not comfortable with having her run our office because I knew she had a thing for him. I felt it. But my head told me it was just me being insecure from the first affair.  I don’t know why I keep listening to my head instead of my gut. So there it was , it was done. I was left with nothing but my own feelings to deal with. This time around I didn’t have drugs in my life to numb my feelings. I had to sit with what I felt and actually feel them. I remember feeling a sense of relief and that’s when I knew I was going to be ok emotionally. I felt like I could breathe again. No more walking on egg shells around him. No more pretending that I liked sitting at home waiting for him to get home every weekend from his 5 hour bike ride just so I could make him a sandwich. no more cleaning up after him, no more  making sure the house was in order when he walked in the door from work. no more pretending to be someone else because being yourself meant taking a lot of criticism about what I could be doing or what im not doing. I was scared shitless but I was FREE to be ME!!!