Where am I now……

 

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I thought about starting a new blog as I start my new life, but this blog is where I started writing when I was going thru my husbands first affair and the pain that came with it. My way of dealing with life back then was to numb myself with any drug I could find. nobody ever told be how real the struggle is to actually stop using, I feel like it took me longer to fight the demands in my heads trying to stay off of the drugs than the amount of time I was on drugs.  Luckily today I can say with confidence that although my struggles today are not what I expected. drugs are NOT a part of my world and have not been for years.. I stay very aware of my addictive behavior and remind myself that even though I have the strength to not use anymore. that I’m still an addict and that is one thing I need to always take seriously.

After my husbands first affair and us trying to fins our way back together, we somehow   made it through the next 4 years together and kept our family together. The only problem was he was holding resentment at me for my drug use, and I never looked at him the same again after he betrayed me with his affair. The damage was done. I was too scared to leave the marriage because I depended on him so much, and as it turns out he unhappy, but he was missing his balls and couldn’t just come to me and say im unhappy I was a divorce. Instead he chose to pretend he was my husband and start another affair. Of course if you ask him he will tell you that he didn’t have an affair this time…lying to him is easy. He even believes his own lies. And this man can bullshit anyone with his charm. So in sept 2015 he decided to sit our kids down while I was at work and tell them we were not going to be together anymore and he was moving out. He got his things and left. I came home from work to find him gone. This time around I wasn’t hurting like I did with the first affair. I was more mad that he had no respect for me  to tell me he was leaving. After 14 years of giving him my everything, this is how he  cuts ties with me? I felt more anger at his delivery more than anything. I was scared, and I was sad for  my kids, but I didn’t feel sad inside. It didn’t surprise me that he was having this affair. I had questioned him about her for years. I even said I was not comfortable with having her run our office because I knew she had a thing for him. I felt it. But my head told me it was just me being insecure from the first affair.  I don’t know why I keep listening to my head instead of my gut. So there it was , it was done. I was left with nothing but my own feelings to deal with. This time around I didn’t have drugs in my life to numb my feelings. I had to sit with what I felt and actually feel them. I remember feeling a sense of relief and that’s when I knew I was going to be ok emotionally. I felt like I could breathe again. No more walking on egg shells around him. No more pretending that I liked sitting at home waiting for him to get home every weekend from his 5 hour bike ride just so I could make him a sandwich. no more cleaning up after him, no more  making sure the house was in order when he walked in the door from work. no more pretending to be someone else because being yourself meant taking a lot of criticism about what I could be doing or what im not doing. I was scared shitless but I was FREE to be ME!!!

T

I Trusted my journey

I When I got married 15 years ago, I was the happiest person in the world to have met the most loving kind , great listener, affectionate man I had ever met. I knew he was the one.. I remember the feeling I remember the day I felt it, I remember feeling so safe with him that I handed my own child to him and allowed him to legally adopt her when she was 5 because I knew in my heart that I could trust this man with my life.

We married , I packed up my things at 30 years old with my daughter and left my job of 14 years my city that I grew up and my family and all my friends to start a new life with my husband. I gave it all up and had this wonderful opportunity to be able to be a stay at home mom and raise my daughter without having to work a full-time job. A year later I got pregnant and we had our son and life was good. I felt content and happy but I always a little felt like I was not able to be myself .. So it was hard not being able to just be who I was and stay true to myself because I became more dependent on my husband and living in his world with his friends and his city .. my job as a wife and a stay at home mom was to create the best home so my world revolved around him and my kids and I gave myself to them. Somehow as it always. Seems to have been with women, yet I always told myself that would never happen with me I stopped making myself a priority and when you continue to take care of others and not yourself for many you can get lost who you are and who you were and it takes a really long time to find that person again. So somewhere around your seven the first affair started. I was beyond shocked.. I was completely numb and after finding out that he relocated her to be a mile away from our home and that relationship had been going on for over a year, something happened to my inner being… the damage it does to a person is something that I’m not sure you can ever really repair completely because no matter what it’s always going to be there the memory of the pain the trust shame that you chose to marry that person, you Start to question how you could miss something that was happening right under your nose, and then you wonder that I see it that I see the signs? And did I turn my head because I didn’t want to see it? No there is no way I could have seen it you ask yourself so many questions when it happens but then you go into panic mode of what am I gonna do with my life now I’ve become so dependent on this man who takes care of me and my children I can’t go anywhere I’ve left my home my city my job what do I do now and your panic. Your panic and you think he will do anything in this world to fight for your marriage and you convince yourself that your marriage is worth fighting for even though deep down you know that is not true at all that really you have nothing but disgusting feelings when you look at him anger and hate and you know that deep down there is no way that you could ever feel the same about this man again. But then you look at your kids and you think there is no way you could take those kids away from this family that they are so happy and so what do you do? You give up all of your self-worth and you stick it out and you take him back and you let him come home and you try again for another seven years. And during that seven years you work every single day so hard to try to rebuild what you had except there’s only one problem, during the time he left you for 12 months you had been in such pain and depression that you had become a full on addict and needed something in your System every time you woke up in the morning just to numb yourself just you freeze of those feelings of pain and hurt so you didn’t have to deal with them today. And now not only are you trying to save your marriage and your husband has come home but you’re too scared to tell your husband that you need help because if you tell him you’ve become a drug addict he will leave you again so this dirty little secret will just stay with me and nobody will have to know. My addiction got to such a bad points that I needed to just I knew I needed to either tell my husband I was 100 percent in love with this drug that made me not feel all the pain I had not dealt with still. So i was gonna take  risk of him leaving me again, or I could just let myself die but then my kids would have known that her mother that died as a drug addict and who gave up on life.. I had to find a way to get up and fight this powerful substance that had grown bigger than me…..I  told him and he helped me for a little while and I did really good I got my life together and as I went through my recovery though I realize more and more that I was important and I meant something to this world and that I needed to start taking care of me again .. somehow during the next few years after that my husband and I we’re doing OK from what I thought in my head we were doing OK but I felt he wasn’t putting out the effort and It was he seemed to be picking fights with me and then turning it around making it about me. crazy manipulation at its finest with him. This man can lie like no other.. He has a skill for it. A raw talent that He even believes his own lies. during  our last year together, I knew I was emotionally checked out, There was nothing left in me to love. I didn’t have any to give him and I knew he had never checked back in since he came home from his first affair. So instead of coming to me and telling me he was done, and because I was living in fear of how I would live with out him from depending on him for so long, it just wasn’t the same anymore. The fight was over,   I came home from work one day and as soon as I walked in the door I knew something was not right, I walked past my daughter wouldn’t even really look at me and went to my bedroom and opened the medicine cabinet to find nothing.. He was gone…. Gone with Affair number two. Yet again , he cant seem to give me the decency to say I’m moving out or Im unhappy?  After 14 years of giving him Myself to him He bails out when Im at work. This man even sat our children down while I was at work and told them we were separating and gave them HIS reasons and didn’t think that talking to our kids without me was a big deal?  I didn’t even know he was leaving… I did know that the red flags were adding up and he had been hiding affair number two with a woman I once called my friend. The same woman who held me in me in her arms and supported me through his first affair.

 

Why do you gotta be so ugly

Divorce is a very angry ugly process. It almost feels like a time where two people think that during this time, it is an opportunity where you can try to hurt them and get back at them for whatever past anger and resentment you have built up. It’s a fight on going about who’s the better parent who deserves the money and why the person doesn’t deserve the money and it’s just so sad and angry and vindictive. . as you’re going through it you look back to when it all started when you to first met and when there was a genuine love and excitement for each other, and you create a life together and you just think how in the hell could two people have such hate for each other after all those years. Why do two people who once loved each other. But are both Unhappy and want different things in life after so many years, why does it have to end so horrible.

I keep thinking to myself why am I going through this and it’s so difficult why is this man so upset and angry with me today when he is the one who left the marriage and had the affair’s? Why hate me ?

I’m just very sad that everything has to be so ugly. Don’t get me wrong I’m not saying this because I’m a princess through all this because as I am going through my divorce today I’m feeling all of those things but it’s just sad that. it’s even more sad that I have to have layers investigate his finances after 15 years of sharing my with him . life because the man I thought I married is really not the person I thought . The man that I’m divorcing today wants me to end up with absolutely nothing in the end of this …. that man also has planned this divorce for many years before he left me and he’s taking money and hiding it . He has made his financial situation look like he has not a lot of money. This is the same man who had not only one but two affairs and left me while I was at work , sat down my kids while without me present , and told them we were getting a divorce. Mind you I had not got that memo yet. The same man when I came home from work had no idea what was going on my husband left me and as this process goes I soon learned that not only did this man have two affairs but turns out there is land in another country that he’s had for many years so the man I married 15 years ago was already hiding huge secrets from me and I never had a clue. I feel so disgusted it’s such a weird feeling to think I was living with somebody who I thought I knew and in the reality was I have no idea anymore it’s a scary feeling to know I lived with a stranger who pretended to be someone else.

it’s amazing how easy it is for him to do these things with no care about all the people it affects.

Enjoying my own company

My life today is in such a different place than it was 3 years ago….If you asked where I was 10 years ago, I would tell you I was living a nightmare from finding out about my husbands affair that had been going on right under my nose for over a year. If you ask me where I was 6 years ago I would tell you I was living as closet meth user in order to cope and or numb the pain that my husbands affair caused me.  If you ask me where I was 3 years ago I would tell you that I was living Deja Voo because yet again another affair was happening, but this time he decided to finally leave us and because he has no balls, he choose to just move out one day while I was at work and sit our kids down without me present and let them know whatever story he had in his head about why he was leaving.  Im guessing he didn’t tell them that he had been cheating on mom again for the past three years.  I never got the memo he was leaving, nor did I know he had this planned and I didn’t get the invite to sit down with my children to hear his story. What I did get was me coming home from work and finding my kids sitting there looking so sad and I had no idea what was going on. When I got to my bedroom and looked around , I was so confused yet not sad, but I was just angry. After 15 years of giving you my unconditional love, quitting my career, and becoming a wife and stay at home mom. And then to watch you betray our marriage once and almost dying from putting  and drug I could into me to take the pain away, then to work thru your affair and learn how to forgive and rebuild your trust… This is how you leave our marriage? While Im at work?  You are that much of a coward that you can’t come to me and say Im not happy? For 14 years you belittled me and told me what a child I was and how much I needed to grow up and today I look back at how you left our marriage that day and I can’t help but to wonder now all those years you put me down only to build yourself up. It would have been so much easier for all of us if you came to me and said I’m moving out i want out of this marriage. And you see how I would have reacted would have been on me and I truly believe we would have a much better relationship today if we were both honest. I know that I was very unhappy in my marrage towards the end but I was living in fear and I was too afraid to leave. I had become so dependent on him that i had no idea to live on my own. So i kept quiet and I allowed him to continue to betray me, belittle me, and disrespect me.  I didn’t love myself at all anyways at this point so it didn’t matter to me. My husband has been gone for almost 3 years and I have been working on living with me and finding me again. So thats what this blog is going to be about. My first blog       was when i was struggling with the pain and using drugs to not feel and this blog I will write on finally closing the doors and finishing this divorce and starting my new journey . I have learned so much through all the heartache and writing always makes me feel better so I will share my journey with you!

 

An Essay My Daughter wrote

I just found this a few weeks ago on my daughters email and I guess she wrote this three years ago for one of her college classes… She never showed it to me but as sad as it is to read and know she has to see me like that , it made me very proud of her to see where I was , and understand how and why and she was able to watch me fight back and become myself again.

A Mother’s Journey
It was a typical Thursday in November 2010. I dragged my limp, sleep deprived body out of my cozy bed and went to school. By some miracle, I made it through another grueling day of monotonous high school classes. When I got home, my mom was waiting for me. “Do you want to run to Target with me,” she asked. “I need to pick up a few things.” A mother-daughter trip to Target was nothing out of the ordinary for us, so I didn’t notice the unusually nervous tone of her voice. We got in the car and started driving. I could tell something was off. She pulled into a parking space, put the car in park, turned off the ignition, pulled out the key, and just sat there, not getting out of the car. “I have to tell you something Kaylie,” her soft voice trembling, “but I just don’t know how to say it.” With so many things running through my head, I watched my mom’s big, green eyes well up with tears. This is the point where my memory gets hazy, but I remember her uttering words like “addicted” and “drugs” and “years” and “I’m so sorry.” I could not even believe what I was hearing. Did my mom, the woman who could do no wrong in my eyes, just tell me she’s a drug addict?
My mom’s story begins all the way back when she was only a kid, young and innocent as all kids are. The earliest memory she has is of her and her older brother Chris riding bikes together around their middle-class neighborhood in the heart of Orange County. “Hey Susie, I bet I can jump this curb with my bike and you can’t,” said Chris mockingly.
Susie excelled in school at a young age and had a great group of friends surrounding her. When she was thirteen years old, her parents got divorced; this changed things. Almost immediately after the divorce, her dad re-married to a woman who had two kids of her own. Susie and Chris were forced to move into a new house, in a new city, with a new stepmom and two new step-siblings. “It was like the friggin Brady Bunch, except we all hated each other,” Susie said rolling her eyes so far back into her head I thought they might get stuck. “It was always Chris and I versus Mandy and Christopher (her step sister and step brother), and we had to share rooms! Imagine sleeping next to people every night who you practically don’t even know.”
While her dad was moving on and starting his new family, her mom was handling the divorce in a different way. Susie’s mom started going out to bars, staying out late, and even bringing random men home at night. Her life at home was extremely unstable.
The years following truly reflected these major changes that occurred in her family life. In high school, Susie found a new group of friends. She constantly skipped class with them to go smoke cigarettes; and consequently, she was kicked out of her high school. By the time she was a junior, she was kicked out of two more. Fortunately, Susie finished her education at a continuation school where she earned her high school degree. “It’s frustrating because I remember how much I liked school as a young kid, and I know I could have done better,” Susie explains as she fiddles with her hands, “but as much as I take responsibility for my actions, I think my home life at the time affected my behavior and performance in school.”
If you look at a drug addict and look at their background, it’s not uncommon to find that he/she grew up in a broken home. An individual will abuse drugs for many different reasons, and it is different for every person. Psychological causes, such as underlying trauma, can influence an individual to misuse or abuse drugs. Susie had a lot of instability early on in her life, which was catalyzed by her parents’ divorce. It’s safe to assume that the events of her adolescence became a deep-rooted issue and could be considered underlying trauma.
When Susie turned twenty, she met Phil and they started dating. Phil turned things around for her. “He was the first good thing to happen to me in so long.” They’re relationship got serious and they ended up unexpectedly having a child together when Susie was twenty two. “I could not believe I was pregnant, and pregnant with a girl at that! My mom fainted when she found out,” Susie says with a chuckle, “Seriously, she fainted in the doctor’s office. I remember being so embarrassed.” The relationship between Susie and Phil didn’t last though. Phil started using drugs and they broke up when I was three.
If you haven’t caught on yet, the child they had together is me.
The next several years of my mom’s life is where she really got her life in order and on track. She got a stable job at a company called Biomechanical; it’s a company that makes custom orthotics. Through this job she met Rich, a chiropractor from Ventura. His tall, lanky stature, his athletic physique, and his laid back personality won my mom over. When I was about seven years old, my mom and Rich got married, and Rich adopted me as his daughter. The three of us moved to the small, charming city of Moorpark and then two years later, my little brother Matteo was born. Years went by as we settled into this new life as a family. Everything was perfect. Everything seemed perfect.

“It was the last thing I expected. I never saw it coming. But when I found out, it crushed me,” Susie mutters, looking down at the hard-wood floor as she recals on her husband’s affair. “He’s a chiropractor and a cyclist. He was asked to be a team doctor for a professional cycling team that was racing in Europe.” She explains that’s where the affair occurred. Rich moved out for a while until things calmed down and he eventually moved back in. During the time he was gone however, Susie experienced feelings of pure anger, immense sadness, and unbelievable shame. “I couldn’t find any healthy way to cope with this roller coaster of emotions,” she mumbles somberly. Susie had a friend who started giving her Vicodin to numb her pain, but she became completely dependent on it. These tiny, cotton-white pills dictated Susie’s entire life for next two years. But this was the least of her worries. After a few months of abusing Vicodin, Susie was introduced to meth and her world spiraled out of control. “I felt invincible,” Susie describes her highest high. “It sounds so cliche but that’s exactly how it made me feel, like I could do anything.”
Crystal meth is a form of methamphetamine that looks like tiny pieces of glass, which is why it is commonly known as “ice,” “crystal,” “glass” and other names. It is a highly addictive stimulant that causes aggression, violence and psychotic behavior. It can cause a decrease in hunger which leads to weight loss. It is one of the hardest drugs to treat. Susie was able to keep her drug use a secret from everyone for a while, until the effects of the meth started becoming apparent. She lost so much weight that at one point she was under 100 pounds. Her behavior was erratic and she developed a very short temper, any little thing such as leaving a light on would send her into a rage. But it wasn’t until Rich found a glass pipe and a lighter laying on the floor of the garage that he realized his wife was in a very dark place.
There was so much more to it than the drug use. Susie had been spending large amounts of money to get her drugs, an amount that ended up causing a lot of financial stress in the future. She had been lying to her family for so long. “He gave me an ultimatum,” sighed Susie. “I either get help and get clean, or he was going to leave me and take the kids with him.”
So there I am, back on that Thursday in November that started out as such a normal day. I sat in that car and cried, wondering how it was possible that my own mother was capable of everything she was telling me. My mom is supposed to be the person I look up to, I thought to myself. At the time, in my mind a drug addict was someone who lived on the streets and didn’t have any friends or family. My mom lived in a nice house with a huge backyard, had a good job, and came home to h mom er husband and two kids every day. She always made sure the house was clean and dinner was on the table. I guess the thing to understand about drug addiction, it’s that it can affect anyone, even the people you least expect. If you look at an individual’s background, it’s possible you will find answers as to why their addiction began in the first place. My mom went through a lot of trauma in her past, but as of today she has been clean for several years and is back to living her life as the fun loving, big hearted I’ve always known and loved.551C8696-6682-4A0B-A233-9ADE475EF5E6