Where am I now……

 

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I thought about starting a new blog as I start my new life, but this blog is where I started writing when I was going thru my husbands first affair and the pain that came with it. My way of dealing with life back then was to numb myself with any drug I could find. nobody ever told be how real the struggle is to actually stop using, I feel like it took me longer to fight the demands in my heads trying to stay off of the drugs than the amount of time I was on drugs.  Luckily today I can say with confidence that although my struggles today are not what I expected. drugs are NOT a part of my world and have not been for years.. I stay very aware of my addictive behavior and remind myself that even though I have the strength to not use anymore. that I’m still an addict and that is one thing I need to always take seriously.

After my husbands first affair and us trying to fins our way back together, we somehow   made it through the next 4 years together and kept our family together. The only problem was he was holding resentment at me for my drug use, and I never looked at him the same again after he betrayed me with his affair. The damage was done. I was too scared to leave the marriage because I depended on him so much, and as it turns out he unhappy, but he was missing his balls and couldn’t just come to me and say im unhappy I was a divorce. Instead he chose to pretend he was my husband and start another affair. Of course if you ask him he will tell you that he didn’t have an affair this time…lying to him is easy. He even believes his own lies. And this man can bullshit anyone with his charm. So in sept 2015 he decided to sit our kids down while I was at work and tell them we were not going to be together anymore and he was moving out. He got his things and left. I came home from work to find him gone. This time around I wasn’t hurting like I did with the first affair. I was more mad that he had no respect for me  to tell me he was leaving. After 14 years of giving him my everything, this is how he  cuts ties with me? I felt more anger at his delivery more than anything. I was scared, and I was sad for  my kids, but I didn’t feel sad inside. It didn’t surprise me that he was having this affair. I had questioned him about her for years. I even said I was not comfortable with having her run our office because I knew she had a thing for him. I felt it. But my head told me it was just me being insecure from the first affair.  I don’t know why I keep listening to my head instead of my gut. So there it was , it was done. I was left with nothing but my own feelings to deal with. This time around I didn’t have drugs in my life to numb my feelings. I had to sit with what I felt and actually feel them. I remember feeling a sense of relief and that’s when I knew I was going to be ok emotionally. I felt like I could breathe again. No more walking on egg shells around him. No more pretending that I liked sitting at home waiting for him to get home every weekend from his 5 hour bike ride just so I could make him a sandwich. no more cleaning up after him, no more  making sure the house was in order when he walked in the door from work. no more pretending to be someone else because being yourself meant taking a lot of criticism about what I could be doing or what im not doing. I was scared shitless but I was FREE to be ME!!!

T

I Trusted my journey

I When I got married 15 years ago, I was the happiest person in the world to have met the most loving kind , great listener, affectionate man I had ever met. I knew he was the one.. I remember the feeling I remember the day I felt it, I remember feeling so safe with him that I handed my own child to him and allowed him to legally adopt her when she was 5 because I knew in my heart that I could trust this man with my life.

We married , I packed up my things at 30 years old with my daughter and left my job of 14 years my city that I grew up and my family and all my friends to start a new life with my husband. I gave it all up and had this wonderful opportunity to be able to be a stay at home mom and raise my daughter without having to work a full-time job. A year later I got pregnant and we had our son and life was good. I felt content and happy but I always a little felt like I was not able to be myself .. So it was hard not being able to just be who I was and stay true to myself because I became more dependent on my husband and living in his world with his friends and his city .. my job as a wife and a stay at home mom was to create the best home so my world revolved around him and my kids and I gave myself to them. Somehow as it always. Seems to have been with women, yet I always told myself that would never happen with me I stopped making myself a priority and when you continue to take care of others and not yourself for many you can get lost who you are and who you were and it takes a really long time to find that person again. So somewhere around your seven the first affair started. I was beyond shocked.. I was completely numb and after finding out that he relocated her to be a mile away from our home and that relationship had been going on for over a year, something happened to my inner being… the damage it does to a person is something that I’m not sure you can ever really repair completely because no matter what it’s always going to be there the memory of the pain the trust shame that you chose to marry that person, you Start to question how you could miss something that was happening right under your nose, and then you wonder that I see it that I see the signs? And did I turn my head because I didn’t want to see it? No there is no way I could have seen it you ask yourself so many questions when it happens but then you go into panic mode of what am I gonna do with my life now I’ve become so dependent on this man who takes care of me and my children I can’t go anywhere I’ve left my home my city my job what do I do now and your panic. Your panic and you think he will do anything in this world to fight for your marriage and you convince yourself that your marriage is worth fighting for even though deep down you know that is not true at all that really you have nothing but disgusting feelings when you look at him anger and hate and you know that deep down there is no way that you could ever feel the same about this man again. But then you look at your kids and you think there is no way you could take those kids away from this family that they are so happy and so what do you do? You give up all of your self-worth and you stick it out and you take him back and you let him come home and you try again for another seven years. And during that seven years you work every single day so hard to try to rebuild what you had except there’s only one problem, during the time he left you for 12 months you had been in such pain and depression that you had become a full on addict and needed something in your System every time you woke up in the morning just to numb yourself just you freeze of those feelings of pain and hurt so you didn’t have to deal with them today. And now not only are you trying to save your marriage and your husband has come home but you’re too scared to tell your husband that you need help because if you tell him you’ve become a drug addict he will leave you again so this dirty little secret will just stay with me and nobody will have to know. My addiction got to such a bad points that I needed to just I knew I needed to either tell my husband I was 100 percent in love with this drug that made me not feel all the pain I had not dealt with still. So i was gonna take  risk of him leaving me again, or I could just let myself die but then my kids would have known that her mother that died as a drug addict and who gave up on life.. I had to find a way to get up and fight this powerful substance that had grown bigger than me…..I  told him and he helped me for a little while and I did really good I got my life together and as I went through my recovery though I realize more and more that I was important and I meant something to this world and that I needed to start taking care of me again .. somehow during the next few years after that my husband and I we’re doing OK from what I thought in my head we were doing OK but I felt he wasn’t putting out the effort and It was he seemed to be picking fights with me and then turning it around making it about me. crazy manipulation at its finest with him. This man can lie like no other.. He has a skill for it. A raw talent that He even believes his own lies. during  our last year together, I knew I was emotionally checked out, There was nothing left in me to love. I didn’t have any to give him and I knew he had never checked back in since he came home from his first affair. So instead of coming to me and telling me he was done, and because I was living in fear of how I would live with out him from depending on him for so long, it just wasn’t the same anymore. The fight was over,   I came home from work one day and as soon as I walked in the door I knew something was not right, I walked past my daughter wouldn’t even really look at me and went to my bedroom and opened the medicine cabinet to find nothing.. He was gone…. Gone with Affair number two. Yet again , he cant seem to give me the decency to say I’m moving out or Im unhappy?  After 14 years of giving him Myself to him He bails out when Im at work. This man even sat our children down while I was at work and told them we were separating and gave them HIS reasons and didn’t think that talking to our kids without me was a big deal?  I didn’t even know he was leaving… I did know that the red flags were adding up and he had been hiding affair number two with a woman I once called my friend. The same woman who held me in me in her arms and supported me through his first affair.