I look back and try to remember


I sit in this court room and I stare at you straight in the eyes as your  sitting in front of  that judge saying flat-out lies about me in order to get you to gain full custody off our son.  As I’m hearing him say the words bad mother and I leave him alone all the time I start thinking about the day he was born and how proud we were to bring this boy into the world. You looked at me and said that I was a great mom to my daughter and how proud you were to have me as the mother of our son. My kids are beautiful souls today and that is because I loved them and raised them with their dad… So how can you try to steal that away from me? How can you risk me loosing my son today saying false things about me? How can I have made a choice to marry a man who would one day try to destroy my character all so he could look like he’s the hero to cover up his lies and affairs that ruined every kindness that we had left for one another.

I can not believe how much hate this process brings out in people. Its mean and evil and cruel, especially  to couples who are trying to salvage whats left of their relationship in order to co parent when it’s all over.  But how can that even be possible when two people have to go to war because the lawyers start putting ugly messages in our head or new ideas on how to fuck the other person over. It’s just crazy and it has changed me forever. I don’t think that I will ever be able to find peace with him after all the hurt and pain this has caused me . I will never be able to look at my life with him the same again. Something that started out so fun and fresh and happy, ended with such hate, rage, greed, selfishness and pain.

Divorce is an ugly ugly process and I don’t wish it on anyone. It hurts my heart for my kids to see how hateful mine has become. And I hope someday I will be able to move on once this divorce is over and start living without him in my life and space anymore

CoParenting Impossible

When I was 13 my parents got Divorce and it affected my life forever.. and as I got older and had different family events come up I would always invite both of my parents and the first couple times they both went to my mom and dad after all these years still couldn’t seem to get rid of the anger they held onto each other so being in the same room was impossible and it made it impossible for me to be around I hated it so from then on out I didn’t invite my parents to any more family functions they even missed my own wedding because I didn’t want the drama. It had a huge effect on me and made me so sad to not be able to have both my parents at my children’s birthday parties and things . So when it came to time for my own marriage and divorce , unfortunately my first thought was I was going to do something different than my parents and make it my goal no matter how much pain my husband has caused me and how much anger I have I would find a way to coparent the best way I could so my kids could see or being kind to one another another, and at least be in the same room together


After I got to the stage where I was able to stop the anger and pain that he caused me, i had found a place for my head to find peace with closing the door to my marriage. I knew deep down that I had a lot of work to do on myself for still and that would happen as time moves on.

So I tried being his” friend ” at first. And I jump right in, we even went to our son’s baseball games and we sat next to each other we laughed we even took the kids out to lunch afterwards and it was great! The kids were so happy to see us all get along. Well I don’t know if maybe jumping so far into this new friendship was a good idea. It was too much too soon. Soon enough we both couldn’t forget the fact that we were married for 15 years and we hurt each other deeply. His resentments at me started coming out and any conversation I had he always made the conversation about us and then he Would start throwing the digs at me . Even though it’s been 3 yeas since he left,and he left me for another woman who he now loves with , he still sees things in his way only . I am still the person he hated when we were married .. And now that I am on my own and doing things without depending on him, it makes him even more angry I think. If I could allow his words to not effect me than maybe we can co parent but it’s just too mentally exhausting. It drains my energy and I can’t put myself around his energy anymore. Maybe 3 years is not long to have a new friendship with him so we can be great parents for our kids.. or maybe he needs to do what I did and forgive himself for the past and let go of all the resentments he is keeping and that are eating him up inside. Those stupid resentments are what keeps him from finding peace within himself and peace with us. Those Resentments are what keeps our kids from having two parents that can have normal adult conversations and that can respect each others opinions when they are totally different. It keeps them from growing and allowing two people who once loved and respected each other, continue to stay in each other’s lives and be great parents no matter what has changed . I hope and pray that one day we can be those people for my kids sake.

Taking away the only world they knew

I came across this story that some else wrote and  it was So powerful to me because I Felt all these same feeling when my marriage ended 3 years ago. I still feel them with my kids and yet I don’t think I have ever told them I’m sorry.  My daighter is 22 and my son is 13  today and I know this divorce has had an effect on them and will for the rest of their lives.  The one thing that Is different  for me in the story is that I was a child of divorce at the same age my son is today  so I can relate to the feelings that he has and I do talk to him about those feelings and  that I understand what he is going through . I get all of those feelings he feels. And by telling him exactly what I was feeling when mom and Dad got a divorce, has really made him feel like he’s not so alone and that it’s ok to talk about it. Mom gets it and that makes him feel just a little bit better.

An Open Apology To My Kids On The Subject Of My Divorc

I am sorry we failed. I will forever feel guilty that we broke your home and world apart. I know it’s ultimately for the best, but I know, and you have explicitly told me, that you would rather us all live together with some tension than separately tension-free. You don’t know that I was no longer living and now you have a mother, when before I could barely breathe. I know at 7 and 11 you want your mom and dad together and for that I am so sorry.
I am sorry you have to move back and forth between two homes. Going away for a weekend causes stress when I pack. I plan what I need: clothing, jewelry, shoes, jackets, electronics and toiletries. You are forced you to move several times a week and you don’t complain. If something is needed from the other house you make due without or mention it without reprimand or annoyance. You are always in one car going to another house. It’s exhausting for me and I am sure it is for you. I created this and I am sorry.
I’m sorry you will have to deal with the uncomfortable and embarrassing reality of your dad and I dating, loving, kissing and hugging someone other than your mom or dad. It will be great for you to see what a stable and healthy relationship is. But, I get that lesson is not top of mind for you. Affection between parents is nauseating enough for kids and teenagers. To bear witness to your mom or dad with their girlfriend or boyfriend must be even more skin crawling.
I’m sorry that even though your dad and I are really good at not putting you in the middle, your reality inherently makes you smack dab in the thick of it. If we were married and you went out for a day with dad and had fun, great! Now sentences start with “no offense mom but I had the best time…with daddy and my cousins.” No offense taken; my heart is filled whenever you have good quality time with your dad and extended family, on either side. My heart breaks a little that somewhere inside, you feel a twinge of guilt for it.
I am sorry that you miss me at bedtime, are lonely sometimes in your new home, miss your dad when we go on vacation and have to always think about whose house you are sleeping in tonight. I’m sorry you have to tell your friends you have two homes, grasp for words to describe our significant others and have to spend every holiday split. I’m sorry that even though we try to handle it all behind the scenes, you still wind up being the western union, relaying messages back and forth. You are people, not robots, and I’m sorry that just because today is Tuesday and that is “my day”, doesn’t mean you don’t want to hang with dad. And maybe on a Thursday, “dad day,” you want some time with me. You don’t have the luxury of having complete access to your parents. As you go to bed on your 10th birthday with tears in your eyes and tell me that now you have a to wait 365 days until you can get one dinner with just your dad, sister and me and how

it really sucks that you only get that once a year, I am more sorry than you will ever know.
I’m mostly sorry that I am not a child of divorce. I know what it’s like to be left out from a group of friends, not be picked first for a team, feel insecure, lonely or do poorly on a test. I know what it feels like to be teased, want the skirt your friend has or wish you were allowed to watch a movie that I keep saying “no” to. I know what it’s like to want chocolate and not carrots, be annoyed with your sister or brother, have a great day and want to run home and tell both parents. I know how it feels to yearn to be older, do more, make more decisions. I can relate and offer advice on all of this. I do not know what it’s like to be a kid of divorce. I do the best I can to empathize and put myself in your shoes. I will walk down your path next to you. But I can’t know your pain, the pain I have caused, and “sorry” is too small a word for what I feel.
I am hopeful that this will be your sucky lot in life and that your other roads will run smoother. We all have crap to deal with and within the pain there are innumerable lessons you will learn. You won’t realize these lessons, they won’t stand out. They will be part of the fabric of your soul. You will be compassionate, flexible and have a world-view that is more expansive than I had growing up. From a young age you see your dad and I as people, not just parents, and this will serve you well.
My love for you is greater than my guilt. While I am so very sorry for all the sucky things that divorce means for you, I have the knowledge of what our collective alternative was and am unwavering in my decision that this was the best path for all of us.
But I’m still sorry.

An Essay My Daughter wrote

I just found this a few weeks ago on my daughters email and I guess she wrote this three years ago for one of her college classes… She never showed it to me but as sad as it is to read and know she has to see me like that , it made me very proud of her to see where I was , and understand how and why and she was able to watch me fight back and become myself again.

A Mother’s Journey
It was a typical Thursday in November 2010. I dragged my limp, sleep deprived body out of my cozy bed and went to school. By some miracle, I made it through another grueling day of monotonous high school classes. When I got home, my mom was waiting for me. “Do you want to run to Target with me,” she asked. “I need to pick up a few things.” A mother-daughter trip to Target was nothing out of the ordinary for us, so I didn’t notice the unusually nervous tone of her voice. We got in the car and started driving. I could tell something was off. She pulled into a parking space, put the car in park, turned off the ignition, pulled out the key, and just sat there, not getting out of the car. “I have to tell you something Kaylie,” her soft voice trembling, “but I just don’t know how to say it.” With so many things running through my head, I watched my mom’s big, green eyes well up with tears. This is the point where my memory gets hazy, but I remember her uttering words like “addicted” and “drugs” and “years” and “I’m so sorry.” I could not even believe what I was hearing. Did my mom, the woman who could do no wrong in my eyes, just tell me she’s a drug addict?
My mom’s story begins all the way back when she was only a kid, young and innocent as all kids are. The earliest memory she has is of her and her older brother Chris riding bikes together around their middle-class neighborhood in the heart of Orange County. “Hey Susie, I bet I can jump this curb with my bike and you can’t,” said Chris mockingly.
Susie excelled in school at a young age and had a great group of friends surrounding her. When she was thirteen years old, her parents got divorced; this changed things. Almost immediately after the divorce, her dad re-married to a woman who had two kids of her own. Susie and Chris were forced to move into a new house, in a new city, with a new stepmom and two new step-siblings. “It was like the friggin Brady Bunch, except we all hated each other,” Susie said rolling her eyes so far back into her head I thought they might get stuck. “It was always Chris and I versus Mandy and Christopher (her step sister and step brother), and we had to share rooms! Imagine sleeping next to people every night who you practically don’t even know.”
While her dad was moving on and starting his new family, her mom was handling the divorce in a different way. Susie’s mom started going out to bars, staying out late, and even bringing random men home at night. Her life at home was extremely unstable.
The years following truly reflected these major changes that occurred in her family life. In high school, Susie found a new group of friends. She constantly skipped class with them to go smoke cigarettes; and consequently, she was kicked out of her high school. By the time she was a junior, she was kicked out of two more. Fortunately, Susie finished her education at a continuation school where she earned her high school degree. “It’s frustrating because I remember how much I liked school as a young kid, and I know I could have done better,” Susie explains as she fiddles with her hands, “but as much as I take responsibility for my actions, I think my home life at the time affected my behavior and performance in school.”
If you look at a drug addict and look at their background, it’s not uncommon to find that he/she grew up in a broken home. An individual will abuse drugs for many different reasons, and it is different for every person. Psychological causes, such as underlying trauma, can influence an individual to misuse or abuse drugs. Susie had a lot of instability early on in her life, which was catalyzed by her parents’ divorce. It’s safe to assume that the events of her adolescence became a deep-rooted issue and could be considered underlying trauma.
When Susie turned twenty, she met Phil and they started dating. Phil turned things around for her. “He was the first good thing to happen to me in so long.” They’re relationship got serious and they ended up unexpectedly having a child together when Susie was twenty two. “I could not believe I was pregnant, and pregnant with a girl at that! My mom fainted when she found out,” Susie says with a chuckle, “Seriously, she fainted in the doctor’s office. I remember being so embarrassed.” The relationship between Susie and Phil didn’t last though. Phil started using drugs and they broke up when I was three.
If you haven’t caught on yet, the child they had together is me.
The next several years of my mom’s life is where she really got her life in order and on track. She got a stable job at a company called Biomechanical; it’s a company that makes custom orthotics. Through this job she met Rich, a chiropractor from Ventura. His tall, lanky stature, his athletic physique, and his laid back personality won my mom over. When I was about seven years old, my mom and Rich got married, and Rich adopted me as his daughter. The three of us moved to the small, charming city of Moorpark and then two years later, my little brother Matteo was born. Years went by as we settled into this new life as a family. Everything was perfect. Everything seemed perfect.

“It was the last thing I expected. I never saw it coming. But when I found out, it crushed me,” Susie mutters, looking down at the hard-wood floor as she recals on her husband’s affair. “He’s a chiropractor and a cyclist. He was asked to be a team doctor for a professional cycling team that was racing in Europe.” She explains that’s where the affair occurred. Rich moved out for a while until things calmed down and he eventually moved back in. During the time he was gone however, Susie experienced feelings of pure anger, immense sadness, and unbelievable shame. “I couldn’t find any healthy way to cope with this roller coaster of emotions,” she mumbles somberly. Susie had a friend who started giving her Vicodin to numb her pain, but she became completely dependent on it. These tiny, cotton-white pills dictated Susie’s entire life for next two years. But this was the least of her worries. After a few months of abusing Vicodin, Susie was introduced to meth and her world spiraled out of control. “I felt invincible,” Susie describes her highest high. “It sounds so cliche but that’s exactly how it made me feel, like I could do anything.”
Crystal meth is a form of methamphetamine that looks like tiny pieces of glass, which is why it is commonly known as “ice,” “crystal,” “glass” and other names. It is a highly addictive stimulant that causes aggression, violence and psychotic behavior. It can cause a decrease in hunger which leads to weight loss. It is one of the hardest drugs to treat. Susie was able to keep her drug use a secret from everyone for a while, until the effects of the meth started becoming apparent. She lost so much weight that at one point she was under 100 pounds. Her behavior was erratic and she developed a very short temper, any little thing such as leaving a light on would send her into a rage. But it wasn’t until Rich found a glass pipe and a lighter laying on the floor of the garage that he realized his wife was in a very dark place.
There was so much more to it than the drug use. Susie had been spending large amounts of money to get her drugs, an amount that ended up causing a lot of financial stress in the future. She had been lying to her family for so long. “He gave me an ultimatum,” sighed Susie. “I either get help and get clean, or he was going to leave me and take the kids with him.”
So there I am, back on that Thursday in November that started out as such a normal day. I sat in that car and cried, wondering how it was possible that my own mother was capable of everything she was telling me. My mom is supposed to be the person I look up to, I thought to myself. At the time, in my mind a drug addict was someone who lived on the streets and didn’t have any friends or family. My mom lived in a nice house with a huge backyard, had a good job, and came home to h mom er husband and two kids every day. She always made sure the house was clean and dinner was on the table. I guess the thing to understand about drug addiction, it’s that it can affect anyone, even the people you least expect. If you look at an individual’s background, it’s possible you will find answers as to why their addiction began in the first place. My mom went through a lot of trauma in her past, but as of today she has been clean for several years and is back to living her life as the fun loving, big hearted I’ve always known and loved.551C8696-6682-4A0B-A233-9ADE475EF5E6