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One month ago I had to pack up my life of  last 15 years and say good bye to my dog who was the only loyal guy I will ever knew , and leave him behind , so my ex could buy me out of my home and watch me walk away from it all. On top of it all , my 23 year old daughter decided she didn’t want to come and she was going to stay in the house with him . Rent free..ok Im beginning to get that part.

I had to walk out and not look back as I was being forced to move out and since I was the homemaker and did not work during our entire marriage, somehow a judge thought throwing me out of my home to start over with not a great  job that would really be a smart move.  So instead he lets the man who betrayed his wife and kids with not only one affair, but two affairs, have the house and watch us now fight in court over things that should not even be questioned.. All I wanted was for my son to be able to finish living in the only home he knew until he was 18. and then we would sell the house. My son is 14 today ..I don’t think I was asking that  much and what judge would disagree?? Mine I guess… So I had to move ..yes I got money from the house and him buying me out, but I cant help but feel like hes still getting away with everything…the affairs, the pain and now hes even getting away with making sure I walk away with not one thing so that he comes out on top. I know Karma is out there and I hope she sees what I Do and makes her way around.

I look back and try to remember

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I sit in this court room and I stare at you straight in the eyes as your  sitting in front of  that judge saying flat-out lies about me in order to get you to gain full custody off our son.  As I’m hearing him say the words bad mother and I leave him alone all the time I start thinking about the day he was born and how proud we were to bring this boy into the world. You looked at me and said that I was a great mom to my daughter and how proud you were to have me as the mother of our son. My kids are beautiful souls today and that is because I loved them and raised them with their dad… So how can you try to steal that away from me? How can you risk me loosing my son today saying false things about me? How can I have made a choice to marry a man who would one day try to destroy my character all so he could look like he’s the hero to cover up his lies and affairs that ruined every kindness that we had left for one another.

I can not believe how much hate this process brings out in people. Its mean and evil and cruel, especially  to couples who are trying to salvage whats left of their relationship in order to co parent when it’s all over.  But how can that even be possible when two people have to go to war because the lawyers start putting ugly messages in our head or new ideas on how to fuck the other person over. It’s just crazy and it has changed me forever. I don’t think that I will ever be able to find peace with him after all the hurt and pain this has caused me . I will never be able to look at my life with him the same again. Something that started out so fun and fresh and happy, ended with such hate, rage, greed, selfishness and pain.

Divorce is an ugly ugly process and I don’t wish it on anyone. It hurts my heart for my kids to see how hateful mine has become. And I hope someday I will be able to move on once this divorce is over and start living without him in my life and space anymore

I Trusted my journey

I When I got married 15 years ago, I was the happiest person in the world to have met the most loving kind , great listener, affectionate man I had ever met. I knew he was the one.. I remember the feeling I remember the day I felt it, I remember feeling so safe with him that I handed my own child to him and allowed him to legally adopt her when she was 5 because I knew in my heart that I could trust this man with my life.

We married , I packed up my things at 30 years old with my daughter and left my job of 14 years my city that I grew up and my family and all my friends to start a new life with my husband. I gave it all up and had this wonderful opportunity to be able to be a stay at home mom and raise my daughter without having to work a full-time job. A year later I got pregnant and we had our son and life was good. I felt content and happy but I always a little felt like I was not able to be myself .. So it was hard not being able to just be who I was and stay true to myself because I became more dependent on my husband and living in his world with his friends and his city .. my job as a wife and a stay at home mom was to create the best home so my world revolved around him and my kids and I gave myself to them. Somehow as it always. Seems to have been with women, yet I always told myself that would never happen with me I stopped making myself a priority and when you continue to take care of others and not yourself for many you can get lost who you are and who you were and it takes a really long time to find that person again. So somewhere around your seven the first affair started. I was beyond shocked.. I was completely numb and after finding out that he relocated her to be a mile away from our home and that relationship had been going on for over a year, something happened to my inner being… the damage it does to a person is something that I’m not sure you can ever really repair completely because no matter what it’s always going to be there the memory of the pain the trust shame that you chose to marry that person, you Start to question how you could miss something that was happening right under your nose, and then you wonder that I see it that I see the signs? And did I turn my head because I didn’t want to see it? No there is no way I could have seen it you ask yourself so many questions when it happens but then you go into panic mode of what am I gonna do with my life now I’ve become so dependent on this man who takes care of me and my children I can’t go anywhere I’ve left my home my city my job what do I do now and your panic. Your panic and you think he will do anything in this world to fight for your marriage and you convince yourself that your marriage is worth fighting for even though deep down you know that is not true at all that really you have nothing but disgusting feelings when you look at him anger and hate and you know that deep down there is no way that you could ever feel the same about this man again. But then you look at your kids and you think there is no way you could take those kids away from this family that they are so happy and so what do you do? You give up all of your self-worth and you stick it out and you take him back and you let him come home and you try again for another seven years. And during that seven years you work every single day so hard to try to rebuild what you had except there’s only one problem, during the time he left you for 12 months you had been in such pain and depression that you had become a full on addict and needed something in your System every time you woke up in the morning just to numb yourself just you freeze of those feelings of pain and hurt so you didn’t have to deal with them today. And now not only are you trying to save your marriage and your husband has come home but you’re too scared to tell your husband that you need help because if you tell him you’ve become a drug addict he will leave you again so this dirty little secret will just stay with me and nobody will have to know. My addiction got to such a bad points that I needed to just I knew I needed to either tell my husband I was 100 percent in love with this drug that made me not feel all the pain I had not dealt with still. So i was gonna take  risk of him leaving me again, or I could just let myself die but then my kids would have known that her mother that died as a drug addict and who gave up on life.. I had to find a way to get up and fight this powerful substance that had grown bigger than me…..I  told him and he helped me for a little while and I did really good I got my life together and as I went through my recovery though I realize more and more that I was important and I meant something to this world and that I needed to start taking care of me again .. somehow during the next few years after that my husband and I we’re doing OK from what I thought in my head we were doing OK but I felt he wasn’t putting out the effort and It was he seemed to be picking fights with me and then turning it around making it about me. crazy manipulation at its finest with him. This man can lie like no other.. He has a skill for it. A raw talent that He even believes his own lies. during  our last year together, I knew I was emotionally checked out, There was nothing left in me to love. I didn’t have any to give him and I knew he had never checked back in since he came home from his first affair. So instead of coming to me and telling me he was done, and because I was living in fear of how I would live with out him from depending on him for so long, it just wasn’t the same anymore. The fight was over,   I came home from work one day and as soon as I walked in the door I knew something was not right, I walked past my daughter wouldn’t even really look at me and went to my bedroom and opened the medicine cabinet to find nothing.. He was gone…. Gone with Affair number two. Yet again , he cant seem to give me the decency to say I’m moving out or Im unhappy?  After 14 years of giving him Myself to him He bails out when Im at work. This man even sat our children down while I was at work and told them we were separating and gave them HIS reasons and didn’t think that talking to our kids without me was a big deal?  I didn’t even know he was leaving… I did know that the red flags were adding up and he had been hiding affair number two with a woman I once called my friend. The same woman who held me in me in her arms and supported me through his first affair.