I Trusted my journey

I When I got married 15 years ago, I was the happiest person in the world to have met the most loving kind , great listener, affectionate man I had ever met. I knew he was the one.. I remember the feeling I remember the day I felt it, I remember feeling so safe with him that I handed my own child to him and allowed him to legally adopt her when she was 5 because I knew in my heart that I could trust this man with my life.

We married , I packed up my things at 30 years old with my daughter and left my job of 14 years my city that I grew up and my family and all my friends to start a new life with my husband. I gave it all up and had this wonderful opportunity to be able to be a stay at home mom and raise my daughter without having to work a full-time job. A year later I got pregnant and we had our son and life was good. I felt content and happy but I always a little felt like I was not able to be myself .. So it was hard not being able to just be who I was and stay true to myself because I became more dependent on my husband and living in his world with his friends and his city .. my job as a wife and a stay at home mom was to create the best home so my world revolved around him and my kids and I gave myself to them. Somehow as it always. Seems to have been with women, yet I always told myself that would never happen with me I stopped making myself a priority and when you continue to take care of others and not yourself for many you can get lost who you are and who you were and it takes a really long time to find that person again. So somewhere around your seven the first affair started. I was beyond shocked.. I was completely numb and after finding out that he relocated her to be a mile away from our home and that relationship had been going on for over a year, something happened to my inner being… the damage it does to a person is something that I’m not sure you can ever really repair completely because no matter what it’s always going to be there the memory of the pain the trust shame that you chose to marry that person, you Start to question how you could miss something that was happening right under your nose, and then you wonder that I see it that I see the signs? And did I turn my head because I didn’t want to see it? No there is no way I could have seen it you ask yourself so many questions when it happens but then you go into panic mode of what am I gonna do with my life now I’ve become so dependent on this man who takes care of me and my children I can’t go anywhere I’ve left my home my city my job what do I do now and your panic. Your panic and you think he will do anything in this world to fight for your marriage and you convince yourself that your marriage is worth fighting for even though deep down you know that is not true at all that really you have nothing but disgusting feelings when you look at him anger and hate and you know that deep down there is no way that you could ever feel the same about this man again. But then you look at your kids and you think there is no way you could take those kids away from this family that they are so happy and so what do you do? You give up all of your self-worth and you stick it out and you take him back and you let him come home and you try again for another seven years. And during that seven years you work every single day so hard to try to rebuild what you had except there’s only one problem, during the time he left you for 12 months you had been in such pain and depression that you had become a full on addict and needed something in your System every time you woke up in the morning just to numb yourself just you freeze of those feelings of pain and hurt so you didn’t have to deal with them today. And now not only are you trying to save your marriage and your husband has come home but you’re too scared to tell your husband that you need help because if you tell him you’ve become a drug addict he will leave you again so this dirty little secret will just stay with me and nobody will have to know. My addiction got to such a bad points that I needed to just I knew I needed to either tell my husband I was 100 percent in love with this drug that made me not feel all the pain I had not dealt with still. So i was gonna take  risk of him leaving me again, or I could just let myself die but then my kids would have known that her mother that died as a drug addict and who gave up on life.. I had to find a way to get up and fight this powerful substance that had grown bigger than me…..I  told him and he helped me for a little while and I did really good I got my life together and as I went through my recovery though I realize more and more that I was important and I meant something to this world and that I needed to start taking care of me again .. somehow during the next few years after that my husband and I we’re doing OK from what I thought in my head we were doing OK but I felt he wasn’t putting out the effort and It was he seemed to be picking fights with me and then turning it around making it about me. crazy manipulation at its finest with him. This man can lie like no other.. He has a skill for it. A raw talent that He even believes his own lies. during  our last year together, I knew I was emotionally checked out, There was nothing left in me to love. I didn’t have any to give him and I knew he had never checked back in since he came home from his first affair. So instead of coming to me and telling me he was done, and because I was living in fear of how I would live with out him from depending on him for so long, it just wasn’t the same anymore. The fight was over,   I came home from work one day and as soon as I walked in the door I knew something was not right, I walked past my daughter wouldn’t even really look at me and went to my bedroom and opened the medicine cabinet to find nothing.. He was gone…. Gone with Affair number two. Yet again , he cant seem to give me the decency to say I’m moving out or Im unhappy?  After 14 years of giving him Myself to him He bails out when Im at work. This man even sat our children down while I was at work and told them we were separating and gave them HIS reasons and didn’t think that talking to our kids without me was a big deal?  I didn’t even know he was leaving… I did know that the red flags were adding up and he had been hiding affair number two with a woman I once called my friend. The same woman who held me in me in her arms and supported me through his first affair.


My Goodbye letter To What I loved the most and what took everything my soul was.

        1. I remember the day I met you. It was love at first sight. The way you looked at me through your sparkly eyes, it was a look that I had never seen before. When we touched lips, I began to feel your love for me run down my throat and through my veins until I could only feel one feeling and that was that I only wanted to feel this way with you for the rest of my life. You came into my life at a time when I needed somebody to help me get through my hardest and darkest days ever. You gave me that boost of energy to make me want to wake up in the morning. You gave me a feeling that I could not be hurt anyone or by any person in my life. You followed through with your promises. You were there when nobody else was. You were there when I would wake up and need to feel OK again. I started to depend on you more and more. I didn’t realize I could fall this deeply in love again with something. It became a scary kind of love. I need you more than you needed me. I became more lonely with you. You took my friends away. You took my family away. You took my ability to love away. You took my smile away. I thought you loved me? Why are you making me feel so cold and alone. I feel afraid yet I cant stop being with you. I cant live without you. Please, if you loved me you would not make me feel this way. I don’t want to love you anymore. I don’t want to need you in my life in order to wake up and live my day. I’m sorry but I cant love you any longer. You have ruined my life and taken my soul away. My heart hurts from being so cold for so long. I want to warm my heart again with real love. Please don’t do this to me. I know I am stronger than you are. I can make you go away forever. I will do it. I will take my heart back and I will heal myself from your poison. Your glass lips are nothing to me anymore. How could I have kissed you and thought you were going to help me and love me. I’m so sick to my stomach now. I have broke you many times and I will not do this to myself or my family ever again. Stay away from me because my strength, courage, and willingness to get healthy again will overpower your temporally love that you give me.

          Good bye Crystal

          An Essay My Daughter wrote

          I just found this a few weeks ago on my daughters email and I guess she wrote this three years ago for one of her college classes… She never showed it to me but as sad as it is to read and know she has to see me like that , it made me very proud of her to see where I was , and understand how and why and she was able to watch me fight back and become myself again.

          A Mother’s Journey
          It was a typical Thursday in November 2010. I dragged my limp, sleep deprived body out of my cozy bed and went to school. By some miracle, I made it through another grueling day of monotonous high school classes. When I got home, my mom was waiting for me. “Do you want to run to Target with me,” she asked. “I need to pick up a few things.” A mother-daughter trip to Target was nothing out of the ordinary for us, so I didn’t notice the unusually nervous tone of her voice. We got in the car and started driving. I could tell something was off. She pulled into a parking space, put the car in park, turned off the ignition, pulled out the key, and just sat there, not getting out of the car. “I have to tell you something Kaylie,” her soft voice trembling, “but I just don’t know how to say it.” With so many things running through my head, I watched my mom’s big, green eyes well up with tears. This is the point where my memory gets hazy, but I remember her uttering words like “addicted” and “drugs” and “years” and “I’m so sorry.” I could not even believe what I was hearing. Did my mom, the woman who could do no wrong in my eyes, just tell me she’s a drug addict?
          My mom’s story begins all the way back when she was only a kid, young and innocent as all kids are. The earliest memory she has is of her and her older brother Chris riding bikes together around their middle-class neighborhood in the heart of Orange County. “Hey Susie, I bet I can jump this curb with my bike and you can’t,” said Chris mockingly.
          Susie excelled in school at a young age and had a great group of friends surrounding her. When she was thirteen years old, her parents got divorced; this changed things. Almost immediately after the divorce, her dad re-married to a woman who had two kids of her own. Susie and Chris were forced to move into a new house, in a new city, with a new stepmom and two new step-siblings. “It was like the friggin Brady Bunch, except we all hated each other,” Susie said rolling her eyes so far back into her head I thought they might get stuck. “It was always Chris and I versus Mandy and Christopher (her step sister and step brother), and we had to share rooms! Imagine sleeping next to people every night who you practically don’t even know.”
          While her dad was moving on and starting his new family, her mom was handling the divorce in a different way. Susie’s mom started going out to bars, staying out late, and even bringing random men home at night. Her life at home was extremely unstable.
          The years following truly reflected these major changes that occurred in her family life. In high school, Susie found a new group of friends. She constantly skipped class with them to go smoke cigarettes; and consequently, she was kicked out of her high school. By the time she was a junior, she was kicked out of two more. Fortunately, Susie finished her education at a continuation school where she earned her high school degree. “It’s frustrating because I remember how much I liked school as a young kid, and I know I could have done better,” Susie explains as she fiddles with her hands, “but as much as I take responsibility for my actions, I think my home life at the time affected my behavior and performance in school.”
          If you look at a drug addict and look at their background, it’s not uncommon to find that he/she grew up in a broken home. An individual will abuse drugs for many different reasons, and it is different for every person. Psychological causes, such as underlying trauma, can influence an individual to misuse or abuse drugs. Susie had a lot of instability early on in her life, which was catalyzed by her parents’ divorce. It’s safe to assume that the events of her adolescence became a deep-rooted issue and could be considered underlying trauma.
          When Susie turned twenty, she met Phil and they started dating. Phil turned things around for her. “He was the first good thing to happen to me in so long.” They’re relationship got serious and they ended up unexpectedly having a child together when Susie was twenty two. “I could not believe I was pregnant, and pregnant with a girl at that! My mom fainted when she found out,” Susie says with a chuckle, “Seriously, she fainted in the doctor’s office. I remember being so embarrassed.” The relationship between Susie and Phil didn’t last though. Phil started using drugs and they broke up when I was three.
          If you haven’t caught on yet, the child they had together is me.
          The next several years of my mom’s life is where she really got her life in order and on track. She got a stable job at a company called Biomechanical; it’s a company that makes custom orthotics. Through this job she met Rich, a chiropractor from Ventura. His tall, lanky stature, his athletic physique, and his laid back personality won my mom over. When I was about seven years old, my mom and Rich got married, and Rich adopted me as his daughter. The three of us moved to the small, charming city of Moorpark and then two years later, my little brother Matteo was born. Years went by as we settled into this new life as a family. Everything was perfect. Everything seemed perfect.

          “It was the last thing I expected. I never saw it coming. But when I found out, it crushed me,” Susie mutters, looking down at the hard-wood floor as she recals on her husband’s affair. “He’s a chiropractor and a cyclist. He was asked to be a team doctor for a professional cycling team that was racing in Europe.” She explains that’s where the affair occurred. Rich moved out for a while until things calmed down and he eventually moved back in. During the time he was gone however, Susie experienced feelings of pure anger, immense sadness, and unbelievable shame. “I couldn’t find any healthy way to cope with this roller coaster of emotions,” she mumbles somberly. Susie had a friend who started giving her Vicodin to numb her pain, but she became completely dependent on it. These tiny, cotton-white pills dictated Susie’s entire life for next two years. But this was the least of her worries. After a few months of abusing Vicodin, Susie was introduced to meth and her world spiraled out of control. “I felt invincible,” Susie describes her highest high. “It sounds so cliche but that’s exactly how it made me feel, like I could do anything.”
          Crystal meth is a form of methamphetamine that looks like tiny pieces of glass, which is why it is commonly known as “ice,” “crystal,” “glass” and other names. It is a highly addictive stimulant that causes aggression, violence and psychotic behavior. It can cause a decrease in hunger which leads to weight loss. It is one of the hardest drugs to treat. Susie was able to keep her drug use a secret from everyone for a while, until the effects of the meth started becoming apparent. She lost so much weight that at one point she was under 100 pounds. Her behavior was erratic and she developed a very short temper, any little thing such as leaving a light on would send her into a rage. But it wasn’t until Rich found a glass pipe and a lighter laying on the floor of the garage that he realized his wife was in a very dark place.
          There was so much more to it than the drug use. Susie had been spending large amounts of money to get her drugs, an amount that ended up causing a lot of financial stress in the future. She had been lying to her family for so long. “He gave me an ultimatum,” sighed Susie. “I either get help and get clean, or he was going to leave me and take the kids with him.”
          So there I am, back on that Thursday in November that started out as such a normal day. I sat in that car and cried, wondering how it was possible that my own mother was capable of everything she was telling me. My mom is supposed to be the person I look up to, I thought to myself. At the time, in my mind a drug addict was someone who lived on the streets and didn’t have any friends or family. My mom lived in a nice house with a huge backyard, had a good job, and came home to h mom er husband and two kids every day. She always made sure the house was clean and dinner was on the table. I guess the thing to understand about drug addiction, it’s that it can affect anyone, even the people you least expect. If you look at an individual’s background, it’s possible you will find answers as to why their addiction began in the first place. My mom went through a lot of trauma in her past, but as of today she has been clean for several years and is back to living her life as the fun loving, big hearted I’ve always known and loved.551C8696-6682-4A0B-A233-9ADE475EF5E6