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One month ago I had to pack up my life of  last 15 years and say good bye to my dog who was the only loyal guy I will ever knew , and leave him behind , so my ex could buy me out of my home and watch me walk away from it all. On top of it all , my 23 year old daughter decided she didn’t want to come and she was going to stay in the house with him . Rent free..ok Im beginning to get that part.

I had to walk out and not look back as I was being forced to move out and since I was the homemaker and did not work during our entire marriage, somehow a judge thought throwing me out of my home to start over with not a great  job that would really be a smart move.  So instead he lets the man who betrayed his wife and kids with not only one affair, but two affairs, have the house and watch us now fight in court over things that should not even be questioned.. All I wanted was for my son to be able to finish living in the only home he knew until he was 18. and then we would sell the house. My son is 14 today ..I don’t think I was asking that  much and what judge would disagree?? Mine I guess… So I had to move ..yes I got money from the house and him buying me out, but I cant help but feel like hes still getting away with everything…the affairs, the pain and now hes even getting away with making sure I walk away with not one thing so that he comes out on top. I know Karma is out there and I hope she sees what I Do and makes her way around.

I look back and try to remember

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I sit in this court room and I stare at you straight in the eyes as your  sitting in front of  that judge saying flat-out lies about me in order to get you to gain full custody off our son.  As I’m hearing him say the words bad mother and I leave him alone all the time I start thinking about the day he was born and how proud we were to bring this boy into the world. You looked at me and said that I was a great mom to my daughter and how proud you were to have me as the mother of our son. My kids are beautiful souls today and that is because I loved them and raised them with their dad… So how can you try to steal that away from me? How can you risk me loosing my son today saying false things about me? How can I have made a choice to marry a man who would one day try to destroy my character all so he could look like he’s the hero to cover up his lies and affairs that ruined every kindness that we had left for one another.

I can not believe how much hate this process brings out in people. Its mean and evil and cruel, especially  to couples who are trying to salvage whats left of their relationship in order to co parent when it’s all over.  But how can that even be possible when two people have to go to war because the lawyers start putting ugly messages in our head or new ideas on how to fuck the other person over. It’s just crazy and it has changed me forever. I don’t think that I will ever be able to find peace with him after all the hurt and pain this has caused me . I will never be able to look at my life with him the same again. Something that started out so fun and fresh and happy, ended with such hate, rage, greed, selfishness and pain.

Divorce is an ugly ugly process and I don’t wish it on anyone. It hurts my heart for my kids to see how hateful mine has become. And I hope someday I will be able to move on once this divorce is over and start living without him in my life and space anymore

Where am I now……

 

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I thought about starting a new blog as I start my new life, but this blog is where I started writing when I was going thru my husbands first affair and the pain that came with it. My way of dealing with life back then was to numb myself with any drug I could find. nobody ever told be how real the struggle is to actually stop using, I feel like it took me longer to fight the demands in my heads trying to stay off of the drugs than the amount of time I was on drugs.  Luckily today I can say with confidence that although my struggles today are not what I expected. drugs are NOT a part of my world and have not been for years.. I stay very aware of my addictive behavior and remind myself that even though I have the strength to not use anymore. that I’m still an addict and that is one thing I need to always take seriously.

After my husbands first affair and us trying to fins our way back together, we somehow   made it through the next 4 years together and kept our family together. The only problem was he was holding resentment at me for my drug use, and I never looked at him the same again after he betrayed me with his affair. The damage was done. I was too scared to leave the marriage because I depended on him so much, and as it turns out he unhappy, but he was missing his balls and couldn’t just come to me and say im unhappy I was a divorce. Instead he chose to pretend he was my husband and start another affair. Of course if you ask him he will tell you that he didn’t have an affair this time…lying to him is easy. He even believes his own lies. And this man can bullshit anyone with his charm. So in sept 2015 he decided to sit our kids down while I was at work and tell them we were not going to be together anymore and he was moving out. He got his things and left. I came home from work to find him gone. This time around I wasn’t hurting like I did with the first affair. I was more mad that he had no respect for me  to tell me he was leaving. After 14 years of giving him my everything, this is how he  cuts ties with me? I felt more anger at his delivery more than anything. I was scared, and I was sad for  my kids, but I didn’t feel sad inside. It didn’t surprise me that he was having this affair. I had questioned him about her for years. I even said I was not comfortable with having her run our office because I knew she had a thing for him. I felt it. But my head told me it was just me being insecure from the first affair.  I don’t know why I keep listening to my head instead of my gut. So there it was , it was done. I was left with nothing but my own feelings to deal with. This time around I didn’t have drugs in my life to numb my feelings. I had to sit with what I felt and actually feel them. I remember feeling a sense of relief and that’s when I knew I was going to be ok emotionally. I felt like I could breathe again. No more walking on egg shells around him. No more pretending that I liked sitting at home waiting for him to get home every weekend from his 5 hour bike ride just so I could make him a sandwich. no more cleaning up after him, no more  making sure the house was in order when he walked in the door from work. no more pretending to be someone else because being yourself meant taking a lot of criticism about what I could be doing or what im not doing. I was scared shitless but I was FREE to be ME!!!

T

I Trusted my journey

I When I got married 15 years ago, I was the happiest person in the world to have met the most loving kind , great listener, affectionate man I had ever met. I knew he was the one.. I remember the feeling I remember the day I felt it, I remember feeling so safe with him that I handed my own child to him and allowed him to legally adopt her when she was 5 because I knew in my heart that I could trust this man with my life.

We married , I packed up my things at 30 years old with my daughter and left my job of 14 years my city that I grew up and my family and all my friends to start a new life with my husband. I gave it all up and had this wonderful opportunity to be able to be a stay at home mom and raise my daughter without having to work a full-time job. A year later I got pregnant and we had our son and life was good. I felt content and happy but I always a little felt like I was not able to be myself .. So it was hard not being able to just be who I was and stay true to myself because I became more dependent on my husband and living in his world with his friends and his city .. my job as a wife and a stay at home mom was to create the best home so my world revolved around him and my kids and I gave myself to them. Somehow as it always. Seems to have been with women, yet I always told myself that would never happen with me I stopped making myself a priority and when you continue to take care of others and not yourself for many you can get lost who you are and who you were and it takes a really long time to find that person again. So somewhere around your seven the first affair started. I was beyond shocked.. I was completely numb and after finding out that he relocated her to be a mile away from our home and that relationship had been going on for over a year, something happened to my inner being… the damage it does to a person is something that I’m not sure you can ever really repair completely because no matter what it’s always going to be there the memory of the pain the trust shame that you chose to marry that person, you Start to question how you could miss something that was happening right under your nose, and then you wonder that I see it that I see the signs? And did I turn my head because I didn’t want to see it? No there is no way I could have seen it you ask yourself so many questions when it happens but then you go into panic mode of what am I gonna do with my life now I’ve become so dependent on this man who takes care of me and my children I can’t go anywhere I’ve left my home my city my job what do I do now and your panic. Your panic and you think he will do anything in this world to fight for your marriage and you convince yourself that your marriage is worth fighting for even though deep down you know that is not true at all that really you have nothing but disgusting feelings when you look at him anger and hate and you know that deep down there is no way that you could ever feel the same about this man again. But then you look at your kids and you think there is no way you could take those kids away from this family that they are so happy and so what do you do? You give up all of your self-worth and you stick it out and you take him back and you let him come home and you try again for another seven years. And during that seven years you work every single day so hard to try to rebuild what you had except there’s only one problem, during the time he left you for 12 months you had been in such pain and depression that you had become a full on addict and needed something in your System every time you woke up in the morning just to numb yourself just you freeze of those feelings of pain and hurt so you didn’t have to deal with them today. And now not only are you trying to save your marriage and your husband has come home but you’re too scared to tell your husband that you need help because if you tell him you’ve become a drug addict he will leave you again so this dirty little secret will just stay with me and nobody will have to know. My addiction got to such a bad points that I needed to just I knew I needed to either tell my husband I was 100 percent in love with this drug that made me not feel all the pain I had not dealt with still. So i was gonna take  risk of him leaving me again, or I could just let myself die but then my kids would have known that her mother that died as a drug addict and who gave up on life.. I had to find a way to get up and fight this powerful substance that had grown bigger than me…..I  told him and he helped me for a little while and I did really good I got my life together and as I went through my recovery though I realize more and more that I was important and I meant something to this world and that I needed to start taking care of me again .. somehow during the next few years after that my husband and I we’re doing OK from what I thought in my head we were doing OK but I felt he wasn’t putting out the effort and It was he seemed to be picking fights with me and then turning it around making it about me. crazy manipulation at its finest with him. This man can lie like no other.. He has a skill for it. A raw talent that He even believes his own lies. during  our last year together, I knew I was emotionally checked out, There was nothing left in me to love. I didn’t have any to give him and I knew he had never checked back in since he came home from his first affair. So instead of coming to me and telling me he was done, and because I was living in fear of how I would live with out him from depending on him for so long, it just wasn’t the same anymore. The fight was over,   I came home from work one day and as soon as I walked in the door I knew something was not right, I walked past my daughter wouldn’t even really look at me and went to my bedroom and opened the medicine cabinet to find nothing.. He was gone…. Gone with Affair number two. Yet again , he cant seem to give me the decency to say I’m moving out or Im unhappy?  After 14 years of giving him Myself to him He bails out when Im at work. This man even sat our children down while I was at work and told them we were separating and gave them HIS reasons and didn’t think that talking to our kids without me was a big deal?  I didn’t even know he was leaving… I did know that the red flags were adding up and he had been hiding affair number two with a woman I once called my friend. The same woman who held me in me in her arms and supported me through his first affair.

 

Why do you gotta be so ugly

Divorce is a very angry ugly process. It almost feels like a time where two people think that during this time, it is an opportunity where you can try to hurt them and get back at them for whatever past anger and resentment you have built up. It’s a fight on going about who’s the better parent who deserves the money and why the person doesn’t deserve the money and it’s just so sad and angry and vindictive. . as you’re going through it you look back to when it all started when you to first met and when there was a genuine love and excitement for each other, and you create a life together and you just think how in the hell could two people have such hate for each other after all those years. Why do two people who once loved each other. But are both Unhappy and want different things in life after so many years, why does it have to end so horrible.

I keep thinking to myself why am I going through this and it’s so difficult why is this man so upset and angry with me today when he is the one who left the marriage and had the affair’s? Why hate me ?

I’m just very sad that everything has to be so ugly. Don’t get me wrong I’m not saying this because I’m a princess through all this because as I am going through my divorce today I’m feeling all of those things but it’s just sad that. it’s even more sad that I have to have layers investigate his finances after 15 years of sharing my with him . life because the man I thought I married is really not the person I thought . The man that I’m divorcing today wants me to end up with absolutely nothing in the end of this …. that man also has planned this divorce for many years before he left me and he’s taking money and hiding it . He has made his financial situation look like he has not a lot of money. This is the same man who had not only one but two affairs and left me while I was at work , sat down my kids while without me present , and told them we were getting a divorce. Mind you I had not got that memo yet. The same man when I came home from work had no idea what was going on my husband left me and as this process goes I soon learned that not only did this man have two affairs but turns out there is land in another country that he’s had for many years so the man I married 15 years ago was already hiding huge secrets from me and I never had a clue. I feel so disgusted it’s such a weird feeling to think I was living with somebody who I thought I knew and in the reality was I have no idea anymore it’s a scary feeling to know I lived with a stranger who pretended to be someone else.

it’s amazing how easy it is for him to do these things with no care about all the people it affects.

CoParenting Impossible

When I was 13 my parents got Divorce and it affected my life forever.. and as I got older and had different family events come up I would always invite both of my parents and the first couple times they both went to my mom and dad after all these years still couldn’t seem to get rid of the anger they held onto each other so being in the same room was impossible and it made it impossible for me to be around I hated it so from then on out I didn’t invite my parents to any more family functions they even missed my own wedding because I didn’t want the drama. It had a huge effect on me and made me so sad to not be able to have both my parents at my children’s birthday parties and things . So when it came to time for my own marriage and divorce , unfortunately my first thought was I was going to do something different than my parents and make it my goal no matter how much pain my husband has caused me and how much anger I have I would find a way to coparent the best way I could so my kids could see or being kind to one another another, and at least be in the same room together

SO MUCH FOR THAT GOAL!!!

After I got to the stage where I was able to stop the anger and pain that he caused me, i had found a place for my head to find peace with closing the door to my marriage. I knew deep down that I had a lot of work to do on myself for still and that would happen as time moves on.

So I tried being his” friend ” at first. And I jump right in, we even went to our son’s baseball games and we sat next to each other we laughed we even took the kids out to lunch afterwards and it was great! The kids were so happy to see us all get along. Well I don’t know if maybe jumping so far into this new friendship was a good idea. It was too much too soon. Soon enough we both couldn’t forget the fact that we were married for 15 years and we hurt each other deeply. His resentments at me started coming out and any conversation I had he always made the conversation about us and then he Would start throwing the digs at me . Even though it’s been 3 yeas since he left,and he left me for another woman who he now loves with , he still sees things in his way only . I am still the person he hated when we were married .. And now that I am on my own and doing things without depending on him, it makes him even more angry I think. If I could allow his words to not effect me than maybe we can co parent but it’s just too mentally exhausting. It drains my energy and I can’t put myself around his energy anymore. Maybe 3 years is not long to have a new friendship with him so we can be great parents for our kids.. or maybe he needs to do what I did and forgive himself for the past and let go of all the resentments he is keeping and that are eating him up inside. Those stupid resentments are what keeps him from finding peace within himself and peace with us. Those Resentments are what keeps our kids from having two parents that can have normal adult conversations and that can respect each others opinions when they are totally different. It keeps them from growing and allowing two people who once loved and respected each other, continue to stay in each other’s lives and be great parents no matter what has changed . I hope and pray that one day we can be those people for my kids sake.

An apology Letter I cam across that I should have wrote for my own kids

I am sorry we failed. I will forever feel guilty that we broke your home and world apart. I know it’s ultimately for the best, but I know, and you have explicitly told me, that you would rather us all live together with some tension than separately tension-free. You don’t know that I was no longer living and now you have a mother, when before I could barely breathe. I know at 13 and 21 you want your mom and dad together and for that I am so sorry.
I am sorry you have to move back and forth between two homes. Going away for a weekend causes stress when I pack. I plan what I need: clothing, jewelry, shoes, jackets, electronics and toiletries. You are forced you to move several times a week and you don’t complain. If something is needed from the other house you make due without or mention it without reprimand or annoyance. You are always in one car going to another house. It’s exhausting for me and I am sure it is for you. I created this and I am sorry.
I’m sorry you will have to deal with the uncomfortable and embarrassing reality of your dad and I dating, loving, kissing and hugging someone other than your mom or dad. It will be great for you to see what a stable and healthy relationship is. But, I get that lesson is not top of mind for you. Affection between parents is nauseating enough for kids and teenagers. To bear witness to your mom or dad with their girlfriend or boyfriend must be even more skin crawling.
I’m sorry that even though your dad and I are really good at not putting you in the middle, your reality inherently makes you smack dab in the thick of it. If we were married and you went out for a day with dad and had fun, great! Now sentences start with “no offense mom but I had the best time…with daddy and my cousins.” No offense taken; my heart is filled whenever you have good quality time with your dad and extended family, on either side. My heart breaks a little that somewhere inside, you feel a twinge of guilt for it.
I am sorry that you miss me at bedtime, are lonely sometimes in your new home, miss your dad when we go on vacation and have to always think about whose house you are sleeping in tonight. I’m sorry you have to tell your friends you have two homes, grasp for words to describe our significant others and have to spend every holiday split. I’m sorry that even though we try to handle it all behind the scenes, you still wind up being the western union, relaying messages back and forth. You are people, not robots, and I’m sorry that just because today is Tuesday and that is “my day”, doesn’t mean you don’t want to hang with dad. And maybe on a Thursday, “dad day,” you want some time with me. You don’t have the luxury of having complete access to your parents. As you go to bed on your 10th birthday with tears in your eyes and tell me that now you have a to wait 365 days until you can get one dinner with just your dad, sister and me and how

it really sucks that you only get that once a year, I am more sorry than you will ever know.
I’m mostly sorry that I am not a child of divorce. I know what it’s like to be left out from a group of friends, not be picked first for a team, feel insecure, lonely or do poorly on a test. I know what it feels like to be teased, want the skirt your friend has or wish you were allowed to watch a movie that I keep saying “no” to. I know what it’s like to want chocolate and not carrots, be annoyed with your sister or brother, have a great day and want to run home and tell both parents. I know how it feels to yearn to be older, do more, make more decisions. I can relate and offer advice on all of this. I do not know what it’s like to be a kid of divorce. I do the best I can to empathize and put myself in your shoes. I will walk down your path next to you. But I can’t know your pain, the pain I have caused, and “sorry” is too small a word for what I feel.
I am hopeful that this will be your sucky lot in life and that your other roads will run smoother. We all have crap to deal with and within the pain there are innumerable lessons you will learn. You won’t realize these lessons, they won’t stand out. They will be part of the fabric of your soul. You will be compassionate, flexible and have a world-view that is more expansive than I had growing up. From a young age you see your dad and I as people, not just parents, and this will serve you well.
My love for you is greater than my guilt. While I am so very sorry for all the sucky things that divorce means for you, I have the knowledge of what our collective alternative was and am unwavering in my decision that this was the best path for all of us.
But I’m still sorry.

Taking away the only world they knew

I came across this story that some else wrote and  it was So powerful to me because I Felt all these same feeling when my marriage ended 3 years ago. I still feel them with my kids and yet I don’t think I have ever told them I’m sorry.  My daighter is 22 and my son is 13  today and I know this divorce has had an effect on them and will for the rest of their lives.  The one thing that Is different  for me in the story is that I was a child of divorce at the same age my son is today  so I can relate to the feelings that he has and I do talk to him about those feelings and  that I understand what he is going through . I get all of those feelings he feels. And by telling him exactly what I was feeling when mom and Dad got a divorce, has really made him feel like he’s not so alone and that it’s ok to talk about it. Mom gets it and that makes him feel just a little bit better.

An Open Apology To My Kids On The Subject Of My Divorc

I am sorry we failed. I will forever feel guilty that we broke your home and world apart. I know it’s ultimately for the best, but I know, and you have explicitly told me, that you would rather us all live together with some tension than separately tension-free. You don’t know that I was no longer living and now you have a mother, when before I could barely breathe. I know at 7 and 11 you want your mom and dad together and for that I am so sorry.
I am sorry you have to move back and forth between two homes. Going away for a weekend causes stress when I pack. I plan what I need: clothing, jewelry, shoes, jackets, electronics and toiletries. You are forced you to move several times a week and you don’t complain. If something is needed from the other house you make due without or mention it without reprimand or annoyance. You are always in one car going to another house. It’s exhausting for me and I am sure it is for you. I created this and I am sorry.
I’m sorry you will have to deal with the uncomfortable and embarrassing reality of your dad and I dating, loving, kissing and hugging someone other than your mom or dad. It will be great for you to see what a stable and healthy relationship is. But, I get that lesson is not top of mind for you. Affection between parents is nauseating enough for kids and teenagers. To bear witness to your mom or dad with their girlfriend or boyfriend must be even more skin crawling.
I’m sorry that even though your dad and I are really good at not putting you in the middle, your reality inherently makes you smack dab in the thick of it. If we were married and you went out for a day with dad and had fun, great! Now sentences start with “no offense mom but I had the best time…with daddy and my cousins.” No offense taken; my heart is filled whenever you have good quality time with your dad and extended family, on either side. My heart breaks a little that somewhere inside, you feel a twinge of guilt for it.
I am sorry that you miss me at bedtime, are lonely sometimes in your new home, miss your dad when we go on vacation and have to always think about whose house you are sleeping in tonight. I’m sorry you have to tell your friends you have two homes, grasp for words to describe our significant others and have to spend every holiday split. I’m sorry that even though we try to handle it all behind the scenes, you still wind up being the western union, relaying messages back and forth. You are people, not robots, and I’m sorry that just because today is Tuesday and that is “my day”, doesn’t mean you don’t want to hang with dad. And maybe on a Thursday, “dad day,” you want some time with me. You don’t have the luxury of having complete access to your parents. As you go to bed on your 10th birthday with tears in your eyes and tell me that now you have a to wait 365 days until you can get one dinner with just your dad, sister and me and how

it really sucks that you only get that once a year, I am more sorry than you will ever know.
I’m mostly sorry that I am not a child of divorce. I know what it’s like to be left out from a group of friends, not be picked first for a team, feel insecure, lonely or do poorly on a test. I know what it feels like to be teased, want the skirt your friend has or wish you were allowed to watch a movie that I keep saying “no” to. I know what it’s like to want chocolate and not carrots, be annoyed with your sister or brother, have a great day and want to run home and tell both parents. I know how it feels to yearn to be older, do more, make more decisions. I can relate and offer advice on all of this. I do not know what it’s like to be a kid of divorce. I do the best I can to empathize and put myself in your shoes. I will walk down your path next to you. But I can’t know your pain, the pain I have caused, and “sorry” is too small a word for what I feel.
I am hopeful that this will be your sucky lot in life and that your other roads will run smoother. We all have crap to deal with and within the pain there are innumerable lessons you will learn. You won’t realize these lessons, they won’t stand out. They will be part of the fabric of your soul. You will be compassionate, flexible and have a world-view that is more expansive than I had growing up. From a young age you see your dad and I as people, not just parents, and this will serve you well.
My love for you is greater than my guilt. While I am so very sorry for all the sucky things that divorce means for you, I have the knowledge of what our collective alternative was and am unwavering in my decision that this was the best path for all of us.
But I’m still sorry.

My Goodbye letter To What I loved the most and what took everything my soul was.

        1. I remember the day I met you. It was love at first sight. The way you looked at me through your sparkly eyes, it was a look that I had never seen before. When we touched lips, I began to feel your love for me run down my throat and through my veins until I could only feel one feeling and that was that I only wanted to feel this way with you for the rest of my life. You came into my life at a time when I needed somebody to help me get through my hardest and darkest days ever. You gave me that boost of energy to make me want to wake up in the morning. You gave me a feeling that I could not be hurt anyone or by any person in my life. You followed through with your promises. You were there when nobody else was. You were there when I would wake up and need to feel OK again. I started to depend on you more and more. I didn’t realize I could fall this deeply in love again with something. It became a scary kind of love. I need you more than you needed me. I became more lonely with you. You took my friends away. You took my family away. You took my ability to love away. You took my smile away. I thought you loved me? Why are you making me feel so cold and alone. I feel afraid yet I cant stop being with you. I cant live without you. Please, if you loved me you would not make me feel this way. I don’t want to love you anymore. I don’t want to need you in my life in order to wake up and live my day. I’m sorry but I cant love you any longer. You have ruined my life and taken my soul away. My heart hurts from being so cold for so long. I want to warm my heart again with real love. Please don’t do this to me. I know I am stronger than you are. I can make you go away forever. I will do it. I will take my heart back and I will heal myself from your poison. Your glass lips are nothing to me anymore. How could I have kissed you and thought you were going to help me and love me. I’m so sick to my stomach now. I have broke you many times and I will not do this to myself or my family ever again. Stay away from me because my strength, courage, and willingness to get healthy again will overpower your temporally love that you give me.

          Good bye Crystal